Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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