this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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