life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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