Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
