yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
