he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
