bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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