I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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