I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
