I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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