If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
