You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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