I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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