If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
