how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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