i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
