so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
