Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
They took my balls.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
