took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
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