i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
