Where did you get a picture of my penis
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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