Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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