Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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