whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
