we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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