He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
