I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Randomize
