I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
