so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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