my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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