On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
