Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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