I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
