Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize