Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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