I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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