I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
