you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
