she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
