He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize