everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
