i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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