Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
