Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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