I think I won the penis lottery.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
