Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
