HIV tests are more positive than that guy
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
