What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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