We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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