3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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