Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
