I could have mohawked her pubes.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
