We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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