Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
