I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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