he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
