Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
