I met the friendliest cop last night
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize