he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
