you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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