I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize